New Motivation to Raise Funds

Before the tragic events of last week, I was thinking about the fundraising for our West Side Park and dreaming of what the park would be like next year. I had visions of springtime: bundling up my sweet newborn and holding him or her while big brother James got to play on the new playground equipment. Even though that dream was shattered by the harsh reality of our miscarriage, there are a couple of things that keep me on task to raise money for the park.

The first is that sweet little toddler face sitting next to me right now. My son James is such a happy guy who needs a safe community and a safe place to play when the weather is nice. He would directly benefit from these efforts, as would the other kids in our community.

The second is the memory of my child who left us so early. Our target date for installing the equipment is April, which happens to be the same month that I was due. This would mean so much to me to see the playground built at the time that I was expecting to meet the newest addition to my family.

In the midst of the pain, I hope to press on toward the goal. So far, SeeMamaRun has raised almost $1,400 for Thomasboro's West Side Park. Thanks so much for all of your support. I cherish your kind words and donations.

I Will Survive

Molly Piper, who suffered the loss of a child just 2 years ago, had this to say on her blog:

So if you’re a mom like me, living without one (or more) of your children, take heart that this is indeed one of the hardest things you will ever live through. But that also means that you lived.

The lines around your eyes will deepen. But that also means you’ve seen. You’ve seen the chaos of pain. Your eyes have and will shed tears for people in their pain that you could’ve never understood before. This is a blessed gift.

Hold on with me. We’re gonna make it. We might not be the happy-go-lucky gals we used to be, but our lives here will tell stories of indescribable loss and the love of a God who made us to be exactly who we are—every line, every gray hair. None of it is wasted.

That's where I am today friends. I'm gonna make it. Each day is a challenge but it is also a blessing.

Held

Two months is too little.
They let him go
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held.

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows.
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held.

When Joy Takes An Abrupt About-Face

There's no subtle way to write this post to you, dear friends, so please allow me to be open and honest. Yesterday I found out that my child died in my womb a week ago. The baby was about 9 weeks old when he or she passed away. It is a surreal and humbling experience to lose your child. Toby and I loved our baby even though we don't know the gender and didn't yet have a name picked out.

The pain of this loss has not fully hit me yet, but waves of grief have come over me as we have called relatives and friends to tell them the sad news. The joy of carrying a baby abruptly turns into deep sorrow when you find no heartbeat on the ultrasound. There is much to be said about the agony of seeing your pregnant form in the mirror and knowing you will never get to rock, kiss, play with, or hear the sweet giggles of the baby inside of you. But this is all too raw and new to share at the moment.

In the midst of it all, I feel a peace that truly surpasses any understanding or logic. The God that is holding me in His arms is Faithful and full of Mercy. Blessed be His name, as birth and death belong to Him. I find comfort in the words of others who can say what I feel in more eloquent terms. John Piper expressed his grief as a grandfather at his granddaughter's funeral. During the time when I was pregnant with my Sweet Baby James (who is now really my Sweet Toddler James) John's daughter-in-law, Molly Piper, lost her child just days before her due date. Her words are so real and beautiful.

Thank you for your continued patience and support of this blog and me. Please understand that I desire to keep my commitment to run for West Side Park, but will be forced to take a break from running. I do not look forward to the physical battle that awaits me in the upcoming days. Already I feel achy and exhausted. There are many decisions to make and health concerns as the baby is still in my womb. Please pray for God to extend this feeling of peace that I have in the midst of the storm. Pray that my grieving husband will be given strength to get through these trials. Again, many thanks for your support, thoughts and prayers.

Bouncing Baby Belly

In a previous post I commented on how I would have a preggo belly during my run on October 25th. To my surprise, the belly fairy has already visited me. Oh joy. During my first pregnancy my body handled it all really nicely, you know, minus the whole morning sickness thing. My pre-pregnancy jeans fit until the fifth month of the pregnancy. My husband took pictures of my (non-existent) belly and we dreamed about the day I would start showing.

Fast forward 2 years. Now that Baby #2 is growing inside of me, my body has waved the white flag of surrender. Much like the cartoon drawing above, these days you can see me running down the street with my iPod, skinny arms and legs, and ginormous stomach. Ok, maybe it's not as big as the drawing, but you get the picture.

Is running harder when your pregnant? Sure it is. Is running for our cause worth the extra effort? Absolutely. In fact, to date SeeMamaRun has raised $816 for West Side Park. I am in awe of that, I really am. And it is all thanks to YOU, the fabulous supporters who are my cheerleaders and my partners in making the community a better place. Thanks for all you do.

If you are reading this and have yet to make a donation, you can do so now at the Thomasboro Neighborhood Watch website. Every single penny goes to purchase playground equipment for the Thomasboro West Side Park. Thanks again from me, my children and the community of Thomasboro.

Saving BIG Money on Groceries

I love money. As a kid one of my favorite things to do was count and roll change. The feel of the coins in my hands always made me dream about the things that could be bought with it. Now that I'm a responsible, ahem, adult I realize that money doesn't just buy stuff--it buys freedom. Toby and I have the freedom to live in our very own house, use heating and air conditioning to make our lives comfortable, give to our church and to charity, buy gas for our cars...you get the picture. After all of our expenses are covered, that doesn't leave much money for food. And we like to eat. Silly us, right?

Saving money on groceries and toiletries has, in the past, consisted of just doing without, sometimes even going without things we really needed. Don't get me wrong, I still don't get to buy the junk food I crave (which is a good thing for my wallet and my health) but now I've learned how to get things we need and want while spending half of what I used to spend each month.

Before I share my secrets with you, let me just say that you do NOT have to do any of the things I do. In fact, if using coupons or shopping at certain stores horrifies you, by all means don't do it. But please don't waste time telling me why you can't do those things. You can do anything if you want to, but you don't have to either. That's the beauty of living in a free country.

My first and biggest secret I have learned is to subscribe to money saving blogs where very dedicated people have already done all the work for you. They will tell you what the best deals are at certain stores every week and where to find the coupons and how to score the deals. All you do is clip the coupons and go. It's a beautiful thing. Check out Money Saving Mom, Super Savvy Shopping, Jane4Girls, or someone local to you.

The next thing I've learned is to buy most of my groceries at Aldi. Several people in my life, including my dear husband, grew up in poverty and have very negative associations with this grocery store. Those issues aren't there for me, so I have no qualms about walking into Aldi and buying milk for $1.49, eggs for $0.88, bread for $1.49, etc. Sweet Baby James LOVES the cinnamon graham crackers from Aldi and doesn't mind that they aren't "name brand." I will caution you that there is a learning curve--you have to figure out which items at Aldi taste good and which don't. Since I'm VERY PICKY and like HIGH QUALITY ingredients, I would be happy to share my experiences with you anytime, just ask. I used to spend $100 a week on groceries at County Market or Wal-Mart--last week at Aldi my entire week of food cost $42.15. We were ecstactic!

The other trick I've learned (again, read those money saving blogs!) is how to use coupons correctly to get toiletries and groceries for FREE or for just pennies on the dollar. This is *usually* done at CVS and Walgreens, but sometimes Target, Meijer or Wal-Mart. Most of us don't use coupons well and don't stock up on items when they are cheap. My good friend Coupon Lady really opened my eyes to this. Coupon shopping is very effective, gratifying and downright fun, but it does require good organizational skills (which can be learned, trust me) and some space in your house or garage to store the stocked up items.

Some other money saving websites that may interest you are:
Baby Cheapskate
Slick Deals

What are some ways that YOU save money? I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts and ideas.

Getting Back to Running

Have you ever taken a week off of exercising and had to kick yourself in the butt to get going again? That's exactly what I'm having to do. Tragically, last week my husband's brother passed away. We grieved and traveled to the funeral. Then on the way home we received a phone call that my father had fallen off an 8 ft ladder and hurt his hand, arm and shoulder pretty badly. Needless to say, I didn't get any of my running time in last week.

This morning I woke up to fog. Sounds like a good reason not to run, eh? The couch was looking pretty comfy too. But my feet actually got me out the door and onto the street. There were even some interesting people along the way who were out walking their dogs, getting ready to go to work, staring at me like I was a lunatic for running @ 6:30am in the fog. If I were in their shoes, I would think I was crazy too.

In case it hasn't been said enough, THANK YOU for supporting the Thomasboro West Side Park. The fact that you are reading this blog, cheering me on and giving financial gifts to make the park a better place for our neighborhood means a lot. To date we have raised $605 through See Mama Run which is well over half-way to the goal of $1000. Keep up the good work!